Intentional Dating

By Dani Geary for Linx Dating

Are you leaving dates disappointed?  Having flings and situationships with sparks that always seem to fizzle out? Start dating with awareness and intention by considering what you bring to the table and what you are looking for, and walking away when someone shows that they are not what you seek. The healthiest and strongest partnerships form between two self-aware individuals who each can date with this framework in mind.

Know What You Have to Offer

Too often, when searching for a serious partner or relationship, the focus is outward and evades internal reflection. 

Ask yourself how you can directly improve or impact a potential romantic partner’s life.  Examples… When looking to enter a romantic relationship, you are equally as responsible as your counterpart for creating healthy expectations around communication, intimacy, etc. Are you compassionate? Able to communicate your feelings effectively and not overreact in your responses? Can you admit when you are at fault?  Or convey your needs to a partner directly without needless nuance? 

Know What You Seek

Often people stick to searching for partners who fall into their so-called “type,” due to comfort and sticking to what they have known. There is a misconception that always staying with your type will eventually bring you your ideal partner... Though this might be true sometimes, dating solely within your predetermined type is more likely to limit your dating experience and to reduce your exposure to people whom you might not have considered before – a sample group from which your perfect match could emerge.

When setting the parameters for your ideal partner, begin with the non-negotiable traits you want to see in your future partner. As just a few examples, maybe they need to manage conflict effectively and calmly, listen intently to what you say, and prioritize mindfulness or religion in their daily lives.  Next, consider some activities or things you want to do and share with a future partner.  Maybe they are an avid skier or runner, bookworm, art enthusiast, and so on.  Lastly, what are your absolute dealbreakers? Establish the qualities that you know you do not want to see in a partner. Once you balance these various elements, you can begin to create a rough but accurate outline of the type of person you are looking for – an intentional framework that can guide you accurately in dating without being completely restrictive and choking off the possibility of randomness working in your favor to create romance in the unexpected.

Know When It Is Time to Move On

STANDARDS AND BOUNDARIES… you need them and they require YOU to implement them. If you have communicated expectations and a partner’s behavior is well outside what you expect, do not wait until the third act to watch how things unfold. They have shown you how they will likely continue to operate. 

Mediating and attempting to modify and repair behaviors amidst high levels of frustration with a romantic partner is not a pattern likely to change the longer you are together. Trust what they are showing you through their actions and move on to someone who meets your standards and respects your boundaries with less difficulty or hesitation. 

In Review:

It is critical before starting your dating journey to look inside and outside yourself – who are you and what do you offer, and what do you most prioritize in a partner?  Regarding the latter, think hard about priorities… personality characteristics, beliefs, and behaviors are most key, along with trying to avoid sticking with one specific physical type. 

Lastly, trust when someone shows you who they are and how they act - stick to your standards. If someone clearly cannot meet your expectations, do not attempt to mold them into what you are looking for or assume it will get better. Move on and find the one who meets you there. 

You are now equipped with some knowledge on how to date intentionally… and now it is your turn to put it into practice! 

How Many Dates Before Making it Official?

UpJourney’s Article Written by The Editors, How Many Dates Before Making Your Relationship Official? features contributions from Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating (Visit UpJourney to view the full article)

Look for promising signs instead of counting the number of dates

If you’re wondering how to get him to commit, you’re asking the wrong question. The right man for you—an individual who is ready for a serious relationship—will show you that he is worthy of your time and affection. 

I firmly believe you need to see some promising signs before making your relationship official. So, under this theory, the actual number of dates doesn’t matter. 

Instead, look for signs that the individual you are spending considerable time with is showing you that he’s a good person and making you feel like the beautiful, intelligent woman you are. 

Here are a few signs that the person you’re dating could be worthy of making your relationship official: 

Can you rely on him for anything? 

Being able to rely on your partner for support is a big part of a sustainable relationship, and he will want to show you that he can handle one. 

The wrong guy will duck out and run when times get tough or very stressful. The right guy who might be worth getting serious with and sticks by your side through thick and thin. 

While he might be stressed when life throws curveballs, he knows nothing is perfect, and things can be messy. He’s in this incredible journey called life with you no matter what. 

Does he make you feel good about yourself? 

Your man wants you to feel your best. He gives you affirmations about his feelings and isn’t afraid to express himself verbally. When you are around him, you feel good about yourself. He lifts you and makes you shine more than not. 

Compared to other relationships you’ve had or men you’ve encountered, this individual brings fun to your life. You are better with him. 

Does he make you feel safe? 

When a man is seriously interested, he wants to make you feel safe—physically and emotionally. 

In large crowds, he will help navigate you. If someone appears aggressive, your man is on alert. He’s an extra pair of eyes and ears, prioritizing your physical well-being.

If you have considered this framework and can confidently say yes to most, or ideally all of them, this strongly indicates that you’re ready to elevate your relationship to the next level. 

Have the talk and be very clear about what you want out of a relationship and ensure you’re actively listening to his needs and wants. Once you have “the talk,” go exclusive and enjoy life in technicolor!

Three Signs He is Emotionally Unavailable

UpJourney’s Article Written by The Editors, 60+ Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Man features contributions from Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating (Visit UpJourney to view the full article)

Image by FreePik - Stefamerpik

“ There is nothing more frustrating than heading towards a serious, monogamous relationship only to hear your could-be-significant-other say, “I just don’t think I’m ready to commit.” 

Save yourself time, energy, and heartache by choosing men who want—not be convinced to want—a longer-term relationship and are emotionally available.

My top three signs he is emotionally unavailable: 

1. He is not intentional 

An emotionally unavailable man does not think about doing things and activities together. There are no actual plans in the works to see you. He invites you to hang out super casually, where he might mention that you should “drop by” his weekend BBQ. 

An emotionally available man makes commitments, asks you out, and figures out a time based on your schedule. You’ll also notice that dates with an emotionally available man are somewhat tailored to your preferences. 

Emotionally available men want to share great moments with you—and that starts with thoughtful planning. 

2. He’s not reliable

If he is not showing up for you, this is a big sign that he is not emotionally available. 

Being able to rely on your partner for support is a big part of a sustainable relationship, and he will want to show you that he can handle one. 

It’s easy to feel infatuated when everything is going well, but does he have staying power when things get a little, hmmm, complicated? 

How did he react when you had a blow-up at work? 

Was he available when you were sick with a nasty cold? 

If he always shows up for you, he’s showing that he’s worth the emotional investment. 

3. He’s not great with communication 

Emotionally unavailable men can make it difficult for you to understand how they feel about you. 

They are not interested in learning about you beyond the surface and are certainly not willing to put in the work in terms of communication. 

An emotionally available man can be straightforward about his feelings for you. He is attentive to the things that are important to you and is generally a good communicator. 

If you are dating someone with checks any of these signs that a man is not emotionally available, I encourage you to re-evaluate where you’re at and if your needs are being met. 

If you checked more than one of these signs, chances are you might need to muster up the courage to move on to a man who can invest in a healthy and balanced relationship with you. ”

Speak Your Truth

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Too many women are just plain too afraid to express what they want when dating.  Ask yourself why you keep accepting dates with someone if you don’t know if he wants many of the things that you you want out of life? 

Speak up sooner rather than later when you’re getting to know someone. Speak your truth and speak up about what your goals are. I am a very firm believer that the right man will observe, listen, absorb, and digest what you have to say.

Many women I match are matched to guys with pre-existing kids. They know this going in, and made it clear to me they want at least one of their own biological children. The men I match them to are well aware of this.

Even in this “controlled environment” of working with a matchmaker, it is still mission critical to put out there in real time what you want, what you need, and your goals! I tell women to speak up and share these goals in the early stages and weave this into conversation in the most feminine, delicate, and reasonable way, while still being strong and vocal about it.

I advise women to watch how their date responds. Look at his body language, eye contact, engagement, and certainly what comes out of his mouth next. Radar up and antenna fully paying attention. To a man’s credit, most men will share what they are capable of and not capable of in the early stages of dating. It is the female's responsibility to pay attention, listen and to calibrate accordingly.

Men are not mind readers! Give your date your goals and open the door. The right man will lean in and walk through. In being vocal, you will quickly begin to know who the right guys are from the wrong guys. NOTE: This does NOT always mean that the right man will be an obliging puppy dog barking a simple “woof” meaning yes to everything you might want. If there are some resistance points, I advise women to watch the man’s approach and if he is willing to keep an open mind and engage with you in figuring things out, just as he would be watching to see if you will do the same.

I like using one of my married couples as a great example of a strong confident woman having the talk early on with the man she was falling in love with. I strategized with the female client very early on like on date 3 to have the talk. While she thought I was nuts, I told her to trust me. On date 3, somewhere in the middle of the date that was going swimmingly well, she brought up wanting to have a family one day and frankly not waiting till hell froze over for it to happen. Her date admired her boldness and listened. He listened carefully but didn’t say much… but opened his eyes really wide like a deer in headlights.

She also was in her late 30’s and went on further to share that she would want a relatively short courtship and to get engaged, plan the wedding, and be pregnant not too long after. The deer in headlights phenomenal continued. She wasn’t sure what to make of it but at least he listened and soaked in all her confidence. For her, it felt great having that elephant in the room addressed.

The next day when she was at work, a courier delivered her a small gift to her office. Curiously, she opened it and it was a book. The book was about raising kids from different cultures. Considering they were from very different cultures it made sense. When she told me that he had sent this book to her, I said "OMG, this is man who really listened!" He might not have said anything but this is the right man for you… he is leaning in and listening. He’s respecting your personal goals and had you not spoken the truth, you both would not know if you share the same vision. This couple has been married a decade and are blessed with a beautiful child.

So on your next date, try speaking up and see if this strategy works for you too.

Just Breathe… How to Calm Down before a Date

Image by Freepik

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

First dates can be riddled with a barrage of emotions and what feels like a surge of adrenaline pumping through your body. Many men and women suffer from jitters in the early stages of dating and these emotions are normal - you’re a human after all and it would be a bit odd if you weren’t experiencing some of that.

One of the best ways to combat these nerves is first to get into the right positive mindset. Here are some of my recommendations for getting there.

1. "Meeting a Friend"

I like to tell clients to visualize that they are meeting a friend. Friends generally make us feel good about ourselves.

Side note, if you have a friend who doesn’t bring levity to your life, perhaps its time to re-evaluate your friendships - but I digress.

When in the “meeting a friend” mindset, those pesky nerves that can interfere with pre-date and during the date emotions will begin to subside. The wet palms, increased heart rate, the WTF am I doing will take a dip.

Start this visualization the minute you have a firm plan. So if your date is on Friday and it’s Monday, it’s the right time to begin. A few minutes of daily visualizations where you remind yourself this is not a big deal, you’re meeting a new friend and it’s always fun to have new friends. Rinse and repeat a couple of minutes in the mornings and evenings leading up to the actual date. I’d apply a very similar practice to interviewing for a job as well. "I know this space inside and out, they need me more than I need them, I got this, I own this, fuck yeah."

2. “Taking Care of Yourself"

Now that you’re rockin’ your positive mindset, think about anything that makes you relax. What do you do after a stressful day?

What are your coping mechanisms that are healthy outlets? A peaceful stroll in the park? Yoga? A bubble bath, a steam or sauna with dim lighting and candles and Enya playing? Why not? Some Metallica streaming through your AirPods running, pumping iron, banging out push-ups and mountain climbers? You’ve got this. Whatever your jam is, these are great ways to have stress outlets leading up to the date.

3. “Best Foot Forward"

Now that you are doing your daily visualizations and ideally bringing relaxation to your body each day, I want you now to figure out the outfit you’ll be wearing. Although you’re meeting a new friend, I want you feeling really good about yourself. Going out to the newest sushi spot in town and cocktails at that swanky bar after, find something in your closet that makes you feel alive and sexy as hell. If you’re a female, men like color. It’s funny, they’re just like a hummingbird and respond well to color.

If you’re guy reading this, wouldn’t it be so nice to pick out a crisp dress shirt with a hint of color, a beautiful belt and dark denim. Did you know women tend to look at guys shoes first? Yep, it’s true.

So if you have your ensemble picked out, I want you to hang it up on your closet door or somewhere you can see it everyday leading up to your date. Visualize how pretty you’re going to look in your red dress and heels with your soft, incredibly sensual-to-the-touch cashmere wrap. Or how studly you’re going to feel in your freshly pressed dress shirt and those pricy suede loafers you purchased after a boozy lunch with your best friend that afternoon.

Look at it, visualize it, and get into the mindset of feeling and looking really good. You got this.

The days leading up to your date, you’re getting good sleep, limiting the booze, and curbing insane amounts of caffeine... Again, this is all the same stuff I would do if I were going on a job interview and I wanted to ace it. Mindset, action, controlling environment, and treating the body like a temple!

Day of the date, listen to your favorite song when getting ready, splash your perfume/cologne on and it’s show time.

Put that outfit on and feel golden. You are amazing and are going to have a great evening! Make sure to leave plenty of time to get to the location so you don’t stress about traffic or parking.

And when you’re there, remember, just breathe, you’re meeting a friend after all….