Four Things That Can Prevent a Friendship With an Ex

UpJourney’s Article Written by The Editors, I Still Love My Ex. What Should I Do? (60+ Expert Tips) features contributions from Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating (Visit UpJourney to view the full article)

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Becoming friends with your ex is not the solution

“ After sharing love and a life together, severing all contact with an ex sounds like a harsh outcome, to say the least, but is maintaining ties with an ex worthwhile? 

Traditional advice seems to support “clean breaks” and “moving on,” but is there something to be said for pursuing friendship in lieu of separation? 

Getting over an ex takes time, and becoming friends as a quick transition directly from a romantic to a platonic relationship is not the solution. Well, definitely not a solution that takes minimal effort or would be described as a walk in the park. 

You need to ask yourself why you want to stay friends, and are you even ready to have a friendship?

Before you can be friends with an ex, you have to consider four different relationship domains that can prevent a successful friendship:

1. Continued romantic attraction

You’re still hoping the relationship could return to a romantic nature and have a romantic attraction. 

This is a direct indicator you are likely not ready for a friendship and reserving your romantic attraction is not possible to foster a friendship at this time.  

2. Reliability/sentimentality

You think your ex “gets you” more than anyone else, and you believe you could count on them to have your back and understand your perspective. 

With the changing nature from romantic to platonic, you have to assess if reaching out to an ex-romantic partner is a result of dependability—not their specific advice or expertise. 

If you favor reaching out to your ex before any other friends for advice or comfort, you might not be ready for a friendship at this time. 

3. Pragmatism

You perceive your life as easier or necessary with your ex as a part of it. Maybe your ex has the resources you want: connections to business prospects, money, or skills you need. 

4. Sexual access

Maintaining enough connectivity exclusively to ensure sexual opportunities or, simply, a friends with benefits situation. Sexual-based relationships often struggle to alter a relationship beyond physical and romantic feelings (i.e., a friendship). 

Although reliability is the prevailing reason for friendship among both women and men, men were more likely to rate pragmatism and sexual access higher than women.

Regardless of what you decide, give yourself—and your ex—an opportunity to adjust to being single. 

If you do decide to pursue friendship, realize that the strong emotional connection you continue to share could complicate—at best—or preclude—at worst—your chances of establishing a new, totally fulfilling relationship. “

Am I Ready to Get Back in the Game?

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By Dani Geary for Linx Dating

Are you thinking about dating again and questioning if you are ready to get back in the game?

Starting to date again and get back out there after a significant hiatus, for any reason, can be overwhelming and might even feel surreal. 

Instead of succumbing to the stress, use this guide to take it one step at a time and break the whole dating process into smaller components. Use the following recommendations to help you think about whether you are ready for a relationship and how you might navigate dating again. 

1. Take Personal Accountability 

You must take personal accountability with respect to your role in speaking openly with a potential romantic partner for healthy communication to be the standard in any romantic relationship. 

Your feelings or thoughts of dissatisfaction, anger, or annoyance with a potential romantic partner should not be ignored, nor should they be brought forward with a negative or hostile undertone. As a part of a pair, you share the responsibility to communicate your feelings - but, how you share will ultimately inhibit, or allow growth in, your relationship.

2. Notice Your Mindset 

Being aware of your current headspace involves internal reflection. Comparing your new dating experiences to previous relationships, having unrealistic partner expectations, and being unsure of what you want are all preventable setbacks you can avoid to have greater success when dating.

Comparing new opportunities to previous relationships, taken to the extreme, is not a productive tactic but an unfortunately easy habit to slip into. When it comes to dating, framing a new relationship in the context of old ones can close your mind to new experiences that could be different and maybe even better in new ways you had not considered. To avoid unhelpful comparisons, there should be a clear separation between your past relationships and your exploration of new relationships that only YOU can make. 

Having expectations for a partner is necessary, but should be tempered. Having an open and mutual dialogue with a potential romantic partner about each of your needs is essential for a shared understanding.  That said, a romantic partner should be caring, supportive, and kind but likely will not be a magical problem solver or mind reader. Expecting a potential romantic partner to remedy or solve all of your problems in their entirety is unrealistic and can place undue and unreasonable stress on a relationship.  At the end of the day, your personal problems are ultimately your problems to understand and communicate.

Another common setback to avoid when it comes to your mindset is seeking a romantic partner just for the heck of it. Seeking out the right person is critical!  Before you invest a ton of cycles, ask yourself, are you considering how that person fits into your longer term life goals and not simply how they could evolve to fit a small piece of what you are looking for and thus leave you frustrated… which now leads us to setting goals!

3. Set Goals 

To succeed in dating, you need to set some benchmarks and attainable goals while still letting relationships evolve naturally. Per the mindset section above, maybe ask yourself what are you looking for in your future partner? Do they prioritize family? Do they travel often? Do they live an active lifestyle? What are their thoughts on work and money? What are their love languages?  These are just some ideas.  But you need to take the time to think about what really matters to you and what you need in a partner… It’s not that every potential candidate needs to check every box, but it helps to have a rough framework in your mind as you date, so that you don’t waste your time or anyone else’s.

4. Embrace the Journey

Dating is a process - there is no universal approach to what will fit your needs. While not every date will be a perfect match, they will each offer an opportunity to take something away, ideally something positive, in a new experience. All the while, be sure to continue to keep balance and dedicate time to taking care of yourself mentally and physically (spending time with family, friends, hobbies, and reflection), as this will allow you to continue to put your best foot forward and present yourself to partners in the best and most natural light.  Remember that occasionally being nervous or having conflicting emotions while dating is okay and normal. It is important to allow that confusion to exist and to know that you will learn to navigate these emotions in time by trusting yourself and being more comfortable not always knowing precisely what is next.

How much sex (or lack thereof) is “normal” to be having

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

Whether you’re enjoying the newness of a fresh relationship or comfortable after years together, you can count on your sex life-changing. What is hot and heavy at first may calm to sporadic bedroom sessions. Or, maybe that initially awkward and mediocre sex (that perhaps you don’t want very often) can evolve to gratifying, explosive orgasms (that you’d enjoy twice daily). With such a wide spectrum, is there a baseline amount of sex we should be having?

According to the Kinsey Institute for research in Sex, Reproduction and Gender, the best predictor of sexual frequency is age—not marital status. Researchers found that, on average, people between 18-29 have 112 sex sessions a year; people between 30-39 have 86 sex sessions a year; and people between 40-49 have 69 sex sessions a year.

Wondering about the 50+ crowd? After surveying over 8000 participants over the age of 50, The Normal Bar found that 31 percent enjoy sex multiple times a week; 28 percent enjoy sex a few times a month; and 8 percent have sex once a month. Nearly a third of respondents rarely have sex at all. (Jorgensen, 2022)

Worried about your sex life losing steam? There is an upside: Although the quantity of sex may decrease with age, the quality gets better. In one study, researchers attributed the higher levels of sexual satisfaction in menopausal and post-menopausal women to their confidence, managed expectations, and ability to prioritize their sexual needs.

We’re below average! Is there a problem?

Not necessarily. In one study led by Amy Muise of The University of Toronto-Mississauga, researchers found that couples who have sex every night are just as happy as the couples who have sex once a week. In another study, researchers asked half of the 64 married couples participating to double the amount of sex they typically have. When comparing happiness levels from the cohort having more sex to the cohort sticking to their usual sex amounts, researchers found no increase in happiness. Instead, the couples with the doubled sex requirement reported lower energy levels and sexual dissatisfaction.

The findings show that real satisfaction doesn’t stem from the amount of sex, but rather from the quality of sexual experience. Sex is a vehicle for connectivity; some couples need to have sex to be connected and others can achieve connectivity other ways. In other words, as long as you and your partner feel connected, the amount of sex is secondary. “It’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner without putting too much pressure on engaging in sex as frequently as possible,” said Muise.

Is there a such thing as too little sex?

Technically, couples who have sex less than ten times a year are considered “sexless”. For older couples, the declining amount of sex is perfectly acceptable. But, for other couples, a mismatched libido can pose problems. If you haven’t been in the mood, take a closer look at your medications—especially antidepressants and antihistamines—and get your hormone levels checked. If you’ve ruled out physical causes, consider a fake-it-till-you-make-it approach; having sexual experiences can actually produce hormones that trigger higher levels of desire. If sex isn’t on the table, engaging in foreplay can also help fuel the flames of desire. Touching, holding, kissing, and other forms of physical contact stimulates oxytocin—a chemical that gives you feelings of closeness and connectedness with your partner.

What if we’re having too much sex?

Lucky you–literally! According to sex therapists and medical professionals, there is no such as too much sex; however, if your desire for sex is interfering with your job or relationships, you should consider chatting with a therapist.

Sources:

Jorgensen, B. (2022, November 15). Sex frequency statistics. Bedbible.com. Retrieved June 30, 2022, from https://bedbible.com/sex-frequency-statistics/

Loewenstein, G., Krishnamurti, T., Kopsic, J., & McDonald, D. (2015). Does increased sexual frequency enhance happiness? Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 116, 206–218. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jebo.2015.04.021

Muise, A., Schimmack, U., & Impett, E. A. (2015). Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(4), 295–302. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550615616462

The Law of Attraction: A Cornerstone of Linx Matchmaking

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

When I look back at my modest beginnings—matching friends locally who were completely exhausted and disenchanted with dating—to growing a world class matchmaking business for clients around the world, I realize I couldn’t do it all without a little help from the universe.

The law of attraction is the single most powerful law in the universe. It states that you will attract that which you give. So, for example, if you stay positive, excited, and appreciative, you will send out this positive energy and will, in return, attract the same type of energy.

We are all responsible for our own destiny and, with the Law of Attraction, we can encourage our goals and desires to manifest.

Where did the Law of Attraction come from? And how can it work for me?

Despite seeming like a new age trend, the Law of Attraction speaks to a philosophy that’s appeared in countless religious texts. You can find it in the Book of Proverbs, chapter 23, verse 7, which states “As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is”. Buddha also captures the sentiment when he said, “All that we are is a result of what we have thought.”

The phrase ‘Law of Attraction’ was formally coined in the late 1800’s by Helena Blavatsky in her book Isis Unveiled. Although studied by various authors in the 1900’s, the 20th Century marked a resurgence in popularity, with best selling book, The Power of Positive Thinking and Blockbuster film, The Secret. So how do I get the Law of Attraction to work for me? Read on for three simple steps to start attracting what you want!

1. Ask for what you want. Get specific.

Get intentional about how you communicate with the universe. To do this, start envisioning what your future will look like if you get what you want. Will you be doing the same things during the day? Who will you spend time with? What will you feel when you receive what you want?

The universe wants to know what you want. How it will come to be, however, may not be the path or timeline you expected.

Examples:

• “I want to feel peace in my relationship–unconditionally loved by my partner.”

• “I want to feel valued for my work contributions and proud of my work.”

• “I want to build a home that allows me to host loved ones and feel self-expressed.”

2. Believe that you’ll get what you ask for, and then start moving towards the goal.

Maintaining positive energy about your goal and the certainty that you will accomplish it will propel you into action. Understand that forces beyond you are now working on your behalf. If it is love that you want, becoming more loving and generous will help you attract people who operate on this wave-length.

If “I want to feel peace in my relationship–unconditionally loved by my partner” is your intention, propel yourself into action by:

• Remembering that you can choose the type of relationship you want.

• Welcoming opportunities to meet people who may turn out to be just one you had in mind.

• Allowing yourself to be present for your partner’s vulnerable side.

• Showing your own vulnerabilities and appreciating your partner’s support.

3. Become the “vibrational match” for what you ask.

Maintaining positive energy is not always easy—especially after a string of bad dates. It takes practice and, many times, a new perspective. Having trouble focusing on the good, the happiness, or the wins in your life? Focus on gratitude. Several dates fell apart? The person you liked didn’t feel the same? Thank the universe for taking these people who aren’t the right fit out of your life quickly.

Examples:

• After a bad date, try thinking: “This experience helped me realize that I need a partner who’s less arrogant. Meeting the ones who aren’t for me will make it that much easier to see the ones who are special.”

• After a break up: “Though painful, I’m grateful that I won’t have to convince someone to be with me. I now have time to meet someone who sees a future together.”

Who else believes in the Law of Attraction?

Lady Gaga: “It happened around 5 years ago but it’s sort of like a mantra. You repeat it to yourself every day. “Music is my life. Music is my life. The fame is inside of me. I’m going to make a number one record and the number one hit.” And it’s not yet, it’s a lie. You’re saying a lie over and over and over again but then one day, the lie is true.”

Eckhart Tolle: “Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world. Whatever you think people are withholding from you – praise, appreciation, assistance, loving care, and so on – give it to them.”

Will Smith: “I believe that I can create whatever I want to create. If I can put my head on it right, study it, learn the patterns, and — it’s hard to put into words, it’s real metaphysical, esoteric nonsense, but I feel very strongly that we are who we choose to be.”