Uncovering the Unconscious: The Key to Successful Dating

By Dani Geary for Linx Dating

Dating is a complex game, a delicate dance between conscious decisions and the often unchecked realm of the unconscious mind. It's a game with countless pieces, many of which we don't even realize are in play. How can we wrestle with the idea that thoughts hidden deep within our minds can influence our actions and shape our dating experiences? The answer lies in building trust within yourself, above all else.

Our unconscious thoughts are like the roots of a tree, growing beneath the surface, and they shape our behavior more than we might think.  We are the “total sum” of all of our life’s experiences - our thoughts and learned behaviors are generated as we live our lives. When our brains encounter trauma, as we grow older, our unconscious mind continues to spring into action, guiding our actions to "protect" us from perceived threats - they whisper to our conscious thoughts, steering them away from potential threats. Over time, if these unconscious thoughts go unchecked, they can justify behaviors that once kept us safe but may now be holding us back in the world of dating.

A potential key to growth and more successful dating is to dig deeper into your unconscious mind to understand these protective mechanisms and how they might be working in your specific case so that you can have some awareness and bring balance to your dating game. 

Here's your call to action:

1. Self-reflection: Take some time to reflect on your past dating experiences. Are there recurring patterns or behaviors that you see and can you potentially trace them back to any past traumas in your life?

2. Seeking support: As a progression beyond self-reflection, you might consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can help you explore these deeper layers of your mind by identifying traumas and working through any past issues that might be affecting your dating life.

3. Mindfulness and meditation: Practicing mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, both conscious and unconscious. Meditation can be a valuable tool in understanding and managing your thoughts.  It can be a simple as setting aside five minutes to focus on your breathing in a quiet space or an active meditation class with others.

4. Open communication: When dating, be open and honest with your partner about your thoughts and feelings. This can help you surface more hidden issues and aid you both in understanding each other on a deeper level to create a more meaningful connection.

In sum, trust yourself, actively embrace self-awareness, and pave the way for a more fulfilling and balanced dating experience. Your unconscious mind may be your protector, but with the right tools, you can guide it toward healthier and more successful choices in the world of dating.

Take a Chance on Love

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

I just had someone turn a potential match away because there was a 58 mile geographic divide.

Ok I kind of get it, but let’s look at the BIG picture.

That person some 58 miles away could very well be the love of your life.

You are willing to forgo meeting someone that could be your future someone because you need to drive an hour?

My parents met in San Francisco, a city they both happened to be visiting on their respective vacations.

My Dad met my Mom and fell head over heels in love with her.

He proposed NINE DAYS after knowing her. She accepted.

*Yet there was a twist to their love story*

He lived in Europe. She resided in Oregon. How could this work?

She had never been to Europe before.

But she knew he was her future.

So she packed her bags and boarded a plane and moved to be with the man who had proposed a week prior.

Here they are, married over 50 years later.

TAKE A CHANCE ON LOVE. Do not say NO to opportunities. Put yourself out there and be a bit more open-minded. You never know who you will meet when you open your heart and mind to the grand possibilities ahead.

7 Pre-Date Questions: Setting the Stage for Success

By Dani Geary for Linx Dating

First dates can be exciting… you could be meeting the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. But it's also okay if you end up just having one lovely conversation together and going your separate ways at the end of the date. A date is an opportunity and should not feel like a chore, but good preparation can make all the difference between a memorable evening and a potential snafu. Before you step out the door to meet your date, take a moment to run through these pre-date questions. This thoughtful preparation will help you feel confident, relaxed, and ready to make a great impression.

1. What Are You Wearing?

The first item on your pre-date checklist should always be a wardrobe check. Be sure your outfit makes you feel confident and is appropriate for the venue and occasion. Steer clear of dark colors like black and navy, and let your personality shine through your style.  Double-check for any stains or wrinkles and don't forget to consider the weather—bringing an umbrella or an extra layer can save the day.  

2. Are You Fresh and Fabulous?

Good personal hygiene is non-negotiable. Take the time to shower, brush your teeth, and add a little flare with your favorite fragrance. Pay attention to details like clean nails and tidy hair. Feeling fresh will not only boost your confidence but also show your date that you care about making a good impression.

3. Where Are You Going?

Location logistics are a must. Familiarize yourself with the date location and plan how long it will take to reach your destination. Being on time is a sign of respect… arriving flustered and/or late due to getting lost can set a stressful tone. 

4. Are You in The Right Headspace? 

Before you head out, take a few minutes to relax and center yourself. Whether it's through deep breathing, meditation, or your favorite calming music, creating a relaxed mindset will help you approach the date with a positive and open attitude.

Set a positive intention for the evening. Visualize the date going well and focus on the exciting aspects of meeting someone new. A positive mindset can be contagious and create a welcoming atmosphere for both you and your date.

5. Do You Have Backup Topics? 

To keep the conversation flowing, it's helpful to have three topics, stories, or memories to talk about. This doesn't mean you have to share every detail of your internal thoughts or life, but having a few interesting conversation starters in your pocket can be a great way to connect and find common ground. People like people who are interesting and interested.

6. Is Everything Charged?

You should always have a phone on your dates and keeping your phone charged is essential. You never know when you might need to check the map, contact your date, or need an escape route (let’s hope this is not the case). Ensure your phone is fully charged and consider bringing a portable charger just in case, especially if you are one to over prepare.

7. Have You Confirmed?

Before you head out, consider sending a courteous message to confirm your plans and let your date know your approximate arrival time. This not only shows consideration but also helps manage expectations, ensuring a smoother start to the evening.

In short, how's your fit, hygiene, and headspace? Do you have topics in case you run out of things to say? Do you know where you’re going and did you confirm with your date? If so, then you have done everything you can to set yourself up for a fabulous date. All there's left to do is go and have fun!  Don’t put too much pressure on yourself!  A successful date begins with thoughtful preparation and you’ve now done the hard part.

One Night Stands: The Power of Choice

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

When a client is looking for a relationship, they are evaluating partners with specific criteria, like shared goals, religion or values. But, the path to finding “the one” can be long, and it’s not uncommon to meet some spectacular—yet short-term—prospects. When something like this happens, and passion takes the wheel, you might opt for a one-night stand. Such an experience can bring up a whole range of emotions, but fear not, I’m here to guide you through it.

Getting caught up in a night of passion can feel absolutely mind altering in the moment, but the next morning may feel like a different story. I’ve had many daters reach out to me with guilt and shame after a one night stand, so I wanted to offer some perspective. Before rushing to judge yourself, maybe you can remember the following:

1. Sex is a biological need

You made a decision to engage with your biological need to have sex. Why is helping yourself fulfill this human need shameful? Why are you having trouble considering this a part of your health and wellness ritual? Though you may wish to fulfill these desires within a committed relationship, you can’t control when you meet someone who makes you feel like committing. Do you think it’s healthy to let your body experience long periods without physical connection? 

2. There is no appropriate number of sexual partners

Instead of allowing society to determine the “appropriate” number of sexual partners, try thinking about your unique recipe for personal fulfillment. Not all women share the same desire for sex, why should one number work for all of them? Not all men are interested in sex over a relationship, so why should they be perceived as such? These double standards for men and women create an unfair environment for everyone. Reject these threads and create the framework that’s appropriate for you. 

3. Your health is your responsibility 

As a sexual being, it is up to you to decide what is best for your body. One-night stands can be a way for you to express physical desires without any strings attached. Instead of judging yourself, consider your one-night stand an intentional choice that allowed you to work with your sexuality instead of against it. 

4. Experiences are tools of self-discovery

Trying new things helps us get to know who we truly are. What can you learn from your one-night stand that might help you achieve better sexual satisfaction in the future? What increased your pleasure? What would you do differently? There’s a lesson in everything; what did your one-night stand teach you? 

5. Not all strong connections are meant to be long term

In life, we can only be so lucky to cross paths with someone who brings us joy, passion and spark. Why should we discount connections that are designed to be shorter term? Instead of regretting your decision due to lack of longevity, think of how rare it is to meet and share an evening with someone who incites passion.  

At the end of the day, your self worth is not defined by a single romantic encounter, but a collection of experiences, character and values. Instead of blaming yourself for sharing an incredible night of passion, own your decision to engage with your desire, take charge of your sexuality and live your life to the fullest.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

How Do I Make The Switch To Exclusive?

Image By: Annie Barnett

Question

(Woman, 37, New York City) [It’s Complicated - actively dating]

“Hi Amy, I’ve recently started putting myself out there and met someone with that instant click. We’ve been out on several dates, we’ve been making vacation plans, and we have hour-long phone calls on off nights. Without a lot of effort, we’re getting closer naturally. This is a relatively new relationship, so I don’t want to rush into things, but at the same time I don’t want to get too intimate or vulnerable with someone who doesn’t have the same plans. I want to make this relationship exclusive before we get too close. How do I make that move into exclusivity?”

Andersen Advice

You can only be so lucky to meet someone that gives you that instant connection. The thrill, the butterflies, the way everything else just blurs into the background; they don’t call it a honeymoon for nothing! As you navigate this, it’s only natural that you start to wonder about sustainability—Could this be something that starts hot and freezes over? Or, could it be something more sustainable?  

Before considering anything, take an objective look at your partner’s level of interest. Do they prioritize time with you? Do they consistently make an effort with your needs in mind? Words are important, but actions carry more weight. You’re looking for similar levels of investment. It can take time to understand if your partner is reliable and consistent, so give yourself some time to determine if they’re ready. 

Even though you’re ready to talk exclusivity, I advise all my clients to take their time before taking this step. You noted that you’re not sure if you two have the “same plan”; exclusivity won’t guarantee the same long-term vision, it just guarantees that exploration for someone else is on hold.  

In lieu of jumping straight into exclusivity, I would suggest weaving in questions that address compatibility. A lasting relationship requires a strong foundation, built on shared values and a sense of mutual growth. Even though you’re looking for answers, remember, this isn’t an interrogation. Be prepared to hear your partner openly, without trying to guide their answers or persuade them to rethink their choices. 

If you’re ready to ask these questions, you should also be ready to answer them. I would start with these:

1. What is your goal in this relationship? A friend? A fling? A soulmate? This answer should help you understand what your partner can handle emotionally.

2. How do you define exclusivity and infidelity? This is going to help both of you figure out your romantic boundaries.

3. What are your expectations around romantic intimacy? Asking this will help you determine alignment on the physical front.

4. What kind of lifestyle would be ideal for you now and in the future? This question is going to help you understand financial expectations.

If you’re missing alignment or certainty around the answers to these questions, I’m not so sure entering an exclusive relationship makes sense if lifelong partnership is your goal. A lasting relationship requires a strong foundation, built on shared values and a sense of mutual growth. If you find yourselves in sync, it's a promising sign that it’s time to make it official.

Moving towards exclusivity is a gradual process; rushing things may lead to unnecessary pressure or strain. Be patient and allow this new relationship to evolve naturally. Healthy, happy, sexy relationships are built over time.

Affectionately yours,

Amy