The Importance of “Alone Time” in Relationships

By Dani Geary for Linx Dating

The concept of "alone time" within a relationship often sparks anxiety or concern but, in reality, it can be a cornerstone of maintaining a healthy, balanced connection with your partner. Love doesn't demand constant togetherness. Contrary to popular belief, carving out moments of solitude within a relationship is not a sign of detachment, but rather a contribution to the relationship’s strength, as it can encourage personal growth and help each person maintain independence.

Alone Time: A Vital Component of Relationship Wellness

Here are some specific reasons why alone time is an essential ingredient in healthy relationships.

1. Preserving Individual Identities   

Allowing space for alone time is a powerful means of protecting individual identities. Each partner brings unique qualities, interests, and passions to the relationship. Spending time apart facilitates personal exploration and ensures that these distinctive aspects continue to thrive.

2. Cultivating Independence

Independence is not a threat to a relationship; rather, it is the foundation of how a healthy partnership grows. Alone time provides an opportunity for self-reflection and the development of personal interests, promoting a sense of autonomy that enriches the individual and, by extension, the relationship.

3. Refreshed Connection

Absence truly can make the heart grow fonder. Taking time apart refreshes the connection between partners. It allows each individual to miss the other, fostering a renewed appreciation for shared moments and experiences.

Understanding the Fear of Alone Time

While the benefits of alone time are clear, many people shy away from it.  Why?  

1. Fear of Introspection

Alone time forces individuals to confront their thoughts and emotions, which can be a daunting prospect. However, this self-awareness is a powerful tool for personal growth. Embracing the discomfort of introspection can lead to increased self-understanding and emotional intelligence.

2. Loss of Independence

Some individuals fear that spending time alone may erode their sense of independence. It's crucial to recognize that maintaining independence within a relationship is not about isolation; rather, it's about honoring one's individuality. True interdependence thrives when both partners can stand strong as individuals.

Embracing Alone Time: Strategies for a Balanced Relationship

Now that we understand the importance of alone time and have addressed some common fears, let's explore some practical strategies for incorporating private time into a relationship:

1. Scheduled Solo Activities

Plan regular solo activities or hobbies that each partner can enjoy independently. This might include reading, pursuing a personal hobby, or simply taking a leisurely solo walk.

2. Communication and Boundaries   

Open communication is key. Discuss the importance of alone time with your partner, set boundaries, and establish mutual respect for each other's need for solitude. This ensures that both individuals feel understood and supported.

3. Solo Reflection Sessions

Schedule short periods of alone time for personal reflection. This can be as simple as enjoying a quiet cup of tea, journaling, or practicing mindfulness. These moments provide an opportunity to check in with oneself and cultivate a sense of inner peace.

In conclusion, the journey of love is a shared one, but it is equally essential to honor and nurture the self within that journey. Alone time is not a threat to a relationship; rather, it is a testament to the strength of the individuals involved. By embracing moments of solitude, confronting fears, and fostering personal growth, couples can build a relationship that thrives on the beautiful balance between togetherness and independence.

7 Pre-Date Questions: Setting the Stage for Success

By Dani Geary for Linx Dating

First dates can be exciting… you could be meeting the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. But it's also okay if you end up just having one lovely conversation together and going your separate ways at the end of the date. A date is an opportunity and should not feel like a chore, but good preparation can make all the difference between a memorable evening and a potential snafu. Before you step out the door to meet your date, take a moment to run through these pre-date questions. This thoughtful preparation will help you feel confident, relaxed, and ready to make a great impression.

1. What Are You Wearing?

The first item on your pre-date checklist should always be a wardrobe check. Be sure your outfit makes you feel confident and is appropriate for the venue and occasion. Steer clear of dark colors like black and navy, and let your personality shine through your style.  Double-check for any stains or wrinkles and don't forget to consider the weather—bringing an umbrella or an extra layer can save the day.  

2. Are You Fresh and Fabulous?

Good personal hygiene is non-negotiable. Take the time to shower, brush your teeth, and add a little flare with your favorite fragrance. Pay attention to details like clean nails and tidy hair. Feeling fresh will not only boost your confidence but also show your date that you care about making a good impression.

3. Where Are You Going?

Location logistics are a must. Familiarize yourself with the date location and plan how long it will take to reach your destination. Being on time is a sign of respect… arriving flustered and/or late due to getting lost can set a stressful tone. 

4. Are You in The Right Headspace? 

Before you head out, take a few minutes to relax and center yourself. Whether it's through deep breathing, meditation, or your favorite calming music, creating a relaxed mindset will help you approach the date with a positive and open attitude.

Set a positive intention for the evening. Visualize the date going well and focus on the exciting aspects of meeting someone new. A positive mindset can be contagious and create a welcoming atmosphere for both you and your date.

5. Do You Have Backup Topics? 

To keep the conversation flowing, it's helpful to have three topics, stories, or memories to talk about. This doesn't mean you have to share every detail of your internal thoughts or life, but having a few interesting conversation starters in your pocket can be a great way to connect and find common ground. People like people who are interesting and interested.

6. Is Everything Charged?

You should always have a phone on your dates and keeping your phone charged is essential. You never know when you might need to check the map, contact your date, or need an escape route (let’s hope this is not the case). Ensure your phone is fully charged and consider bringing a portable charger just in case, especially if you are one to over prepare.

7. Have You Confirmed?

Before you head out, consider sending a courteous message to confirm your plans and let your date know your approximate arrival time. This not only shows consideration but also helps manage expectations, ensuring a smoother start to the evening.

In short, how's your fit, hygiene, and headspace? Do you have topics in case you run out of things to say? Do you know where you’re going and did you confirm with your date? If so, then you have done everything you can to set yourself up for a fabulous date. All there's left to do is go and have fun!  Don’t put too much pressure on yourself!  A successful date begins with thoughtful preparation and you’ve now done the hard part.

One Night Stands: The Power of Choice

When a client is looking for a relationship, they are evaluating partners with specific criteria, like shared goals, religion or values. But, the path to finding “the one” can be long, and it’s not uncommon to meet some spectacular—yet short-term—prospects. When something like this happens, and passion takes the wheel, you might opt for a one-night stand. Such an experience can bring up a whole range of emotions, but fear not, I’m here to guide you through it.

Getting caught up in a night of passion can feel absolutely mind altering in the moment, but the next morning may feel like a different story. I’ve had many daters reach out to me with guilt and shame after a one night stand, so I wanted to offer some perspective. Before rushing to judge yourself, maybe you can remember the following:

1. Sex is a biological need

You made a decision to engage with your biological need to have sex. Why is helping yourself fulfill this human need shameful? Why are you having trouble considering this a part of your health and wellness ritual? Though you may wish to fulfill these desires within a committed relationship, you can’t control when you meet someone who makes you feel like committing. Do you think it’s healthy to let your body experience long periods without physical connection? 

2. There is no appropriate number of sexual partners

Instead of allowing society to determine the “appropriate” number of sexual partners, try thinking about your unique recipe for personal fulfillment. Not all women share the same desire for sex, why should one number work for all of them? Not all men are interested in sex over a relationship, so why should they be perceived as such? These double standards for men and women create an unfair environment for everyone. Reject these threads and create the framework that’s appropriate for you. 

3. Your health is your responsibility 

As a sexual being, it is up to you to decide what is best for your body. One-night stands can be a way for you to express physical desires without any strings attached. Instead of judging yourself, consider your one-night stand an intentional choice that allowed you to work with your sexuality instead of against it. 

4. Experiences are tools of self-discovery

Trying new things helps us get to know who we truly are. What can you learn from your one-night stand that might help you achieve better sexual satisfaction in the future? What increased your pleasure? What would you do differently? There’s a lesson in everything; what did your one-night stand teach you? 

5. Not all strong connections are meant to be long term

In life, we can only be so lucky to cross paths with someone who brings us joy, passion and spark. Why should we discount connections that are designed to be shorter term? Instead of regretting your decision due to lack of longevity, think of how rare it is to meet and share an evening with someone who incites passion.  

At the end of the day, your self worth is not defined by a single romantic encounter, but a collection of experiences, character and values. Instead of blaming yourself for sharing an incredible night of passion, own your decision to engage with your desire, take charge of your sexuality and live your life to the fullest.

Affectionately yours,

Amy

Transforming Anxiety Into Confidence When Dating

In order to capitalize on early chemistry and attraction, it’s important that you

a) Actually believe that you deserve to be dating this particular person.

b) Let your date see and appreciate that. Try to remember that in order for any healthy relationship to survive, both parties have to be invested, and both of you actually have to think that it’s a good idea. So let’s assume you really did feel sparks, and that the early interest in mutual… if you aren’t the world’s most confident person, what can you do to bolster your ego just a little bit? After all, there has to be more to successful dating than just asking a waiter for suggestions and walking a woman to her car, right?

Here are three ways you can develop some dating confidence. And if you don’t think you need additional confidence when it comes to dating, try to keep in mind that having added confidence can be useful in almost every aspect of our lives.

1. Make a list, and check it twice…

I recently spoke with a client who was nervous about an upcoming first date. He was concerned that his date might not like him for a dozen different reasons, and had already started rationalizing a case for rejection from a woman he hadn’t even met. While it’s healthy to be prepared for any possible outcome, he was really only focused on one. If you find yourself doing this – particularly when it comes to anticipating rejection, you need to slow down, and make a list of all of your positive qualities and attributes. Yes, all of them. Go ahead and start now; it might take awhile. Be as detailed as possible. Oh, you like your hands and runners legs? Turns out you’re one of those rare people who never has morning breath? You were born with a space between your front teeth? You can make a gourmet Indian meal out of almost anything?  You actually have the time and desire to invest in a relationship?

Take some time to really study this list. These are all of the things about you that are great. These are all of the reasons someone should want to date you. These are all of the reasons that would make someone LUCKY to be your significant other. Some of it, of course, is going to seem very silly. But the rest of this should feel very true and very real. Don’t focus on the possible perceived negatives as that provokes anxiety. Don’t highlight your weaknesses; showcase your strengths. You may still not end up on a second date, but it will be because your date doesn’t appreciate your positive qualities, which is his or her loss. If you go into an evening expecting that your date is going to reject you based on your own insecurities, you’re creating a situation in which one of the worst possible outcomes simply lives up to your expectations. No one wants to experience that.

2. Talk to Strangers…

One of the hardest things about building dating confidence can be overcoming stranger anxiety… you know, the stuff that sets in when we’re about 18 months old, and (for most of us) never really goes away? There is a lot of inherent risk in approaching someone you don’t know, and we spend the first part of our lives being told to never do it. As we age, involvements with strangers tend to be managed through classroom, professional, or social environments where an instructor/boss/friend provides a framework and context for initial interactions. Relationships of all forms tend to blossom from these meetings, but early expectations (and hopes) are typically low. This, of course, doesn’t provide much of a foundation for creating a relationship with someone you meet online or through Linx; we might say that the two of you should meet each other, but it’s still up to you to do the heavy lifting. 

There is a way to get better at managing stranger anxiety, and that’s to actually approach strangers. Yes, do exactly what your parents told you to never do. Your goal should only be to have small, simple interactions… asking for the time, making chitchat while waiting in a grocery store line, etc. Do this initially with people you simply don’t find attractive. Start with people of the same sex, or with men and women who are significantly older or younger. Once you get comfortable striking up conversations with strangers you don’t find attractive, then start doing it with people you DO find attractive, but who aren’t available. In other words, look for wedding rings. This allows you to get over the anxiety of approaching someone you find desirable while keeping the stakes very low. And finally, when that becomes easy, you can start talking to strangers who appear to be attractive AND available. It will give you the confidence you need to approach people when dating in the wild. It will also provide a nice boast to your self-esteem when you meet someone exceptional through Linx.

3. Find a Coach…

If you’re doing this on your own, consider using a book like Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David Burns. The noted Stanford psychiatrist walks you through several steps that help in gaining confidence, improving your sense of self-worth, and developing a positive outlook. The skills are applied broadly, but can definitely have romantic benefits. It’s also a wonderful way to combat anxiety from a holistic perspective. 

Regardless of how you choose to do it, your entire life can benefit when you decide to work on your confidence, self-esteem, and work to overcome anxiety. Even if you think you’re “doing fine” on issues of self worth, there isn’t much of a downside to developing more confidence, and learning that it’s ok to feel truly good about yourself. We all have things about our bodies, our lives, and our personalities that we’d probably like to change, but we want the people in our lives to accept us for the qualities and attributes that won’t. You can’t have what you don’t ask for, and you’ll never convincingly ask for a great relationship if it’s not something you believe you deserve. So learn to like yourself just as you are; learning to appreciate all you have to offer is a key first step in finding a real, deep, and everlasting relationship.

How To Deal With Being Single and Feeling Lonely

Going solo can have its benefits—freedom, flexibility and "me-time"—but it's easy to feel lonely. But fear not: research reveals that loneliness is a universal emotion many of us experience from time to time. That said, there are plenty of things you can do while riding the single wave so don't be afraid to practice some selfcare. Connecting with yourself and others will help ease those lonesome feelings until your next relationship comes along.

Embrace solitude

Taking time to be alone can open up opportunities for self-reflection and personal development. Use this opportunity to evaluate all aspects of your life, craft achievable goals, or work on inspiring projects. Embracing solitude helps cultivate a sense of independence while also making it easier not to feel lonely in the future. 

Connect with others

While solitude can be beneficial, it's also important to invest in relationships. Whether it's through friends, family, or community, spending time with others can help you feel less lonely and more connected. Trying new group activities will bring you closer to people who share similar interests.

Pursue your passions

If you want to feel more alive and connected, try unleashing your passions! From painting masterpieces to playing music or writing stories - when we explore our hobbies with enthusiasm it can help us create a purposeful life that's filled with joy. So don't be afraid; reach out for the things you love and make them part of who you are.

Volunteer

Volunteering is a great way to give back to your community, meet new people, and make a positive impact in the world. You'll feel good knowing that you're making a difference, and you'll also meet new people who share your values and interests.

Travel

Packing your bags for a new destination can infuse your life with wonder and gratitude. It’s a great way to experience new cultures, meet new people, and get out of your comfort zone. Whether it's a solo trip or a group tour, traveling can be a great way to push you out of your comfort zone and broaden your horizons.

Adopt a pet

Bringing a new four-legged critter home has immense benefits. In a recent study concerning loneliness, studies that were conducted after the outbreak of COVID-19 mostly showed that pet ownership can contribute to lower levels of loneliness. Pets can provide us with unconditional love and comfort, and they can also be great companions. Just make sure you're ready for the responsibilities that come with pet ownership.

Start a gratitude practice

Sometimes, feeling lonely can be a result of focusing on what we don't have instead of what we do have. Starting a gratitude practice can help you shift your focus to the good things in your life and to feel more content and fulfilled.

Embracing your single life doesn't have to be lonely. Instead of fretting, find ways to fill the time with meaningful moments and personal growth. Reach out to friends, lean into hobbies or interests you've been wanting to try. Embrace the power of solitude, reach out to trusted friends or acquaintances, ignite your passions with activities that bring joy into your life; most importantly take care of yourself. With patience and openness comes contentment in every season – including being unattached.