When Should You Sleep With Someone You’re Dating? Forget the Third-Date Rule.

By Amy Andersen, Founder and CEO of Linx Dating

After more than two decades as a matchmaker, I've heard just about every rule imaginable about when two people should sleep together. Never on the first date. Wait until the third date. Absolutely not before the fifth. Wait a month. Wait until you're exclusive. Make him work for it. Don't wait too long or he'll lose interest.

I think we've made this far more complicated than it needs to be. There is no magic number.

I have seen relationships where two people became intimate relatively quickly and went on to build wonderful lives together. I've seen couples take things very slowly and end up deeply committed. I've also seen both scenarios go absolutely nowhere.

The date on which two people have sex doesn't tell me nearly as much as why they are having sex, how they feel about one another, and what has happened between them leading up to that moment.

Women Have Been Given an Especially Impossible Set of Rules

This is something I feel strongly about. Women have historically been expected to navigate an absurdly narrow lane when it comes to sex. Don't do it too soon, but don't make him wait forever. Be sexy, but don't be too sexual. Show him you're attracted to him, but make sure he respects you.

It's exhausting, and much of it is rooted in a sexual double standard that we're long overdue to leave behind.

A woman should never feel pressure to sleep with someone because she's worried he'll lose interest if she doesn't. Equally, she shouldn't deny herself an experience she genuinely wants because she's afraid a man will think less of her afterward.

If a man decides a woman's character, intelligence, integrity or relationship potential changed because she enthusiastically chose to sleep with him, while apparently believing his own character remained completely intact, I would question whether he was the right man for her in the first place.

You participated in exactly the same experience. Why should one person leave with bragging rights and the other leave with a scarlet letter? That's not a standard I subscribe to.

But "There Are No Rules" Doesn't Mean "Don't Think"

Here's where I want to add some nuance. I don't believe in arbitrary waiting periods, but I do believe in intentional dating.

There is research suggesting that couples who delayed sexual intimacy reported better communication, satisfaction and stability. One large study of unmarried couples found similar associations between waiting and relationship quality. That's interesting, and I don't think we should simply dismiss it.

But an association isn't a commandment, and research about groups cannot tell you exactly what is right for two particular people sitting across from each other tonight. What I take from this research is not wait X number of dates. I take something much more useful from it: Give the relationship enough room to reveal itself.

Sex can be powerful. It can create closeness and vulnerability. It can also make us feel more connected to someone before we've gathered enough information to know whether that person belongs in our lives. That's why I want singles to pay attention to what's happening outside the bedroom.

Is this person consistent? Do they follow through? Are they curious about you? Do you feel emotionally safe with them? Can you talk openly? Do their words match their actions? Have you begun to understand their intentions?

Those questions tell me much more than whether tonight happens to be date three or date seven.

Chemistry Is Not Clarity

This distinction is huge. You can have extraordinary chemistry with someone you barely know.

We've all experienced some version of it. You meet somebody and there's electricity. Dinner lasts four hours. You can't stop looking at each other. Suddenly, three dates feel like three months.

Enjoy it. Chemistry is one of life's great pleasures. Just don't confuse it with information.

Before becoming intimate, I think it's worth asking yourself: What do I actually know about this person? And perhaps an even more revealing question: Do I want to have sex with this person, or am I hoping having sex will make this person want me?

Those motivations can feel remarkably similar in the moment. Emotionally, they're worlds apart.

Sex Shouldn't Be Currency

I particularly dislike dating advice that teaches women to use sex as leverage. "Make him wait." "He'll value you more." "Don't give it away."

I understand where some of this advice comes from. Often, someone is trying to protect women from getting hurt. But intimacy isn't something a woman "gives away," and sex isn't a bargaining chip exchanged for commitment.

Likewise, nobody should sleep with someone because they think sex will finally secure the relationship. If you're having sex to get something, whether that's commitment, reassurance, validation or exclusivity, there may be a conversation that needs to happen first.

Have sex because you want to. Wait because you want to. Both choices are completely valid.

Have the Adult Conversation

If you're mature enough to sleep together, you should be mature enough to talk about sleeping together. That doesn't mean turning a romantic evening into a board meeting.

It means being able to discuss sexual health, contraception where relevant, STI testing, boundaries and what each person is comfortable with. It may also mean discussing exclusivity if that's important to either of you.

These conversations don't kill chemistry. With the right person, I think they can actually create more of it. There is something incredibly attractive about two adults being able to communicate openly about something intimate.

Try the Morning-After Test

There is one question I particularly like for someone who isn't sure whether they're ready. Imagine tomorrow morning. Nothing magical has changed. There hasn't been a sudden declaration of love. You haven't automatically become boyfriend and girlfriend. This person's level of commitment to you is exactly what it was tonight.

Would you still feel good about your decision?

If your answer is yes, that's useful information. If your answer is, No. If we slept together and this didn't become a relationship, I'd be devastated, listen to that too.

It doesn't mean you're old-fashioned. It doesn't mean you're sexually inhibited. And it certainly doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It may simply mean that sex carries significant emotional weight for you. That's worth respecting.

Waiting isn't weakness. Wanting sex isn't weakness either. Self-knowledge is the point.

And Please Stop Judging One Another

This might be the part I care about most. People are different.

For one person, sex requires substantial emotional intimacy. Someone else may experience physical intimacy more independently from commitment. Neither person is automatically more evolved, moral or relationship-worthy.

And women, in particular, have endured enough contradictory cultural messaging about their sexuality. A woman isn't "easy" because something felt right quickly. She isn't playing games because she wants to wait.

A man isn't entitled to sex because he has planned five wonderful dates. And nobody owes another person physical intimacy because a certain amount of time, money or effort has been invested. The person you're dating should respect your pace. That goes both ways.

So, When Is the Right Time?

When you genuinely want to. When consent is enthusiastic and mutual. When you feel emotionally and physically safe. When you aren't doing it because you're afraid of losing the person. When you're not waiting simply because you're afraid of being judged. When you understand that sex may deepen the connection, but cannot guarantee the relationship. And when you can wake up tomorrow and still feel that you made the decision for yourself.

Maybe that's date two. Maybe it's date twenty. Maybe it's after exclusivity. Maybe it's after marriage. The number isn't what matters.

After all these years of matchmaking, I care much more about the person standing beside you than the date circled on the calendar. Because with the right connection, you shouldn't have to perform according to somebody else's dating rulebook.

You should be able to make an intimate decision together, with desire, respect, communication and absolutely no shame.

There is no perfect time. There is the time that feels right for the two people actually in the relationship.